Broken to Change the World

Five years ago today, May 10, 2002, I graduated from Christ For the Nations Institute (CFNI) in Dallas, Texas. Honestly, I can’t remember much about the message that was spoken by the commencement speaker—but I do distinctly recall the two guys sitting besides me: Benjamin Humble and Shiloh Humble. In a graduating class of approximately 500, there were a few unrecognizable faces including these two brothers. Throughout the commencement service, the Lord arrested my attention to their last name, Humble. In doing so, I sensed that the Lord was saying something to this effect: “You are called to pursue the path of humility. This is the key to your calling.” In response I prayed a dangerous prayer of sorts that God takes note of: "God break me so that I possess the humility that you desire!"

Sometimes hindsight can do wonders. God really did take me up on it; and to my chagrin, He did so immediately!

Like most other CFNI grads, I was ready to change the world; or, more accurately stated, I thought I was ready. Even as I write this I am looking at one of my favorite pictures of Aneta and I, which was taken on that day. There is a serene, innocent look in our eyes as we happily pose for our picture. My wife is so beautiful—when I gaze upon this picture it evokes strong sentiments within. We were two days shy of our first year anniversary, which we spent ministering at a church in the barren desert of New Mexico. We were full of anticipation and passion—yet, we were unaware that our darkest hour was lurking around the corner. Full of zeal, faith, and hope, we were scheduled to attend two semesters at the Graduate School of Campus Ministry in conjunction with the School of World Missions at Fuller Theological Seminary. Upon completion we were to assume full-time campus ministry in Virginia. But we experienced a bump in the road on the way to changing the world. Or more succinctly stated, we had a major detour on our road to changing the world because the Lord had to change me first.

This detour was orchestrated by the Lord in response to my unknowingly powerful prayer. In time I became increasingly aware of my despicable heart, which was full of rebellion, pride, selfish ambition, shame, lust, anger and the like. Within a few months of graduating from CFNI, I was in an abyssal state of confusion, denial, and depression. “I thought I had dealt with these roots,” I pondered during that time, “I feel so incapable of changing, much less changing the world...I can't do it.” The Lord knew exactly what I needed in order to bring the hidden things to the surface: stress, financial pressures, temptations, etc. Needless to say, it was the worst time of our lives for both Aneta and I.

Yet, in our darkest hour, God initiated the Jeremiah 1:10 process: “…to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant.” In order to bring this mandate to the nations, God had to do the exact work in my own heart. This was the process of brokenness as the Lord began to uproot and tear down.

The Story of Benjamin

I want to share an insight from the story of the birth of Benjamin, the youngest son of Jacob. As you may recall, Rachel was Jacob’s heartthrob from the early days. Jacob agreed to work seven years for Laban so that he could marry his daughter. Alas, seven years went by, but Laban swindled Jacob by giving him his other daughter Leah. Then Jacob agrees to work another seven years for Rachel. Finally he is able to marry Rachel after fulf illing his agreement with Laban. However, as you can imagine, the sibling rivalries carried over from childhood into the family tent, as evident by Rachel’s statement upon conception: “I have had a great struggle with my sister, and I have won.” Sounds like a tent of strife, jealousy, selfish ambition, pride, etc.

Finally Rachel was able to conceive and bore her first son, Joseph. Later she conceived again and is about to give birth a second time. The following passage depicts this story.

Genesis 35:16-18 – Then they moved on from Bethel. While they were still some distance from Ephrath, Rachel began to give birth and had great difficulty. And as she was having great difficulty in childbirth, the midwife said to her, “Don’t be afraid, for you have another son.” As she breathed her last—for she was dying—she name her son Ben-Oni. But his father named him Benjamin.

In the death of Rachel came forth the birth of her second son. In her present state of mind, she names him Ben-oni, which means “son of my sorrow.” Thankfully Jacob intervened by naming the newborn, Benjamin, “son of the right hand.” John Wesley the revivalist writes: “Her dying lips calls her new-born son Benoni, the son of my sorrow. But Jacob because he would not renew the sorrowful remembrance of his mother's death every time he called his son by name, changed his name, and called him Benjamin, the son of my right hand—That is, very dear to me; set on my right hand for a right hand blessing; the support of my age, like the staff in my right hand.”

Now let us go back and take a look at a passage related to Joseph’s birth.

Genesis 30:22-24 – Then God remembered Rachel; he listened to her and opened her womb. She became pregnant and gave birth to a son and said, “God has taken away my disgrace.” She named him Joseph, and said, “May the Lord add to me another son.”

Note that Rachel prays, “May the Lord add to me another son.” At the birth of Joseph, Rachel—with an eye toward the sons born by her sister Leah—prays that the Lord may “add to me another son.” One son isn't enough. The festering rivalry compelled—the ever so ambitious—Rachel to overtake her sister. Back to the story of Benjamin. So in this place of impending death, is it possible that Rachel couldn’t see the glorious answer to her prayer in her newborn son? It seems that she was stricken with grief concerning her perceived sister’s triumph in number of sons born to Jacob. She frames her death by naming her son “the son of my sorrows”—hence, she was unable to see the reality of the situation because ambition, pride and jealousy ruled her heart, thus skewing her perception of reality. The reality was that the birth of Benjamin was a glorious event since it was the direct answer to the prayer she had uttered at the time of Josephs' birth: add to me another son.

What is happening in your present circumstances that is creating tension, discomfort, frustration, sorrow, or pain in your life? Could it be that it is an answer to a recent prayer that you prayed in response to a desperate situation? Have you ever prayed to be more humble? Have you ever prayed for true authentic brokenness? Did you ever utter the lethal prayer to be more Christ-like in a specific area of your life? Can you recall giving permission to the Lord to do whatever it takes to change you? Or, did you pray this really dangerous prayer: Lord use me to change the world!

Possibly today you find yourself in circumstances that are the direct result of God lovingly answering your heart cry to be more like Jesus. The process is difficult, confusing, discomforting, and excruciatingly painful—in all, a slow impending death—but necessary for His life to come forth through you.

A Parable of a CFNI Graduate

I want to share a parable about a CFNI grad: in essence, the story of my own life. Possibly as a fellow believer who yearns to bring about change, you might be able to relate. The parable is inspired by a similar story that I read years ago, but modified to illustrate my own experience.

When I graduated from CFNI, I prayed “God, use me to change the world!” Time passed as I became increasingly aware that this was quite a futile aspiration, so I decided to change my prayer: “God, use me to change my community!” Again as time elapsed, I saw minimal changes in this pursuit. Henceforth I determined to change my prayer to “God use me to change my family and close friends.” Time passed without any substantial progress as I became increasingly aware of my own needs to change and my own inability to change others. Broken, I prayed, “God, change me first! I can’t do anything apart from your mercy and grace. Break me so that I can possess your heart. I am in desperate need of YOU. Change me into the glorious image of your Son Jesus Christ!” Now God saw fit a broken vessel, capable of changing the world through His own perspective, and for His own glory.

We are called to bear the image of Christ in all things, which is a process of allowing Christlikeness to be demonstrated through our attitude, inner thought life and actions. This is a call to “Take my yoke upon your and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart.” (Matthew 11:29) The Son of God—in whom “all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form”—amazingly, utters these profound words: “for I am gentle and humble in heart.”

If we are to bear the image of Christ, then we must cultivate authentic, biblical humility. This is the starting point for living a life set apart for the Lord.

John Mulinde, author of Set Apart for God, writes the following—“Very often, because people are seeking a quick solution they miss the most obvious thing: they ignore the basic work of brokenness, total surrender to God and a rejection of the status quo.” The path of humility is a process. It isn't a quick fix. God longs to build something in us of substantial value—the image of his Son—so that we have the necessary inner fortitude to sustain the long-term call to change the world.

Have you prayed “God use me to change the world,” only to find yourself on the backside of the desert tending a small band of smelly sheep? (Moses) Are you in a place of disillusionment, wondering if God has forsaken the dream that He gave you years ago to make a difference in your generation? (Joseph) Or does it seem that all hell has broken loose against you as others try to sabotage your reputation and abort your calling? (David)

Welcome to the school of brokenness and humility. God has answered the deepest cry of your heart through the divine orchestration of the exact testing and trials you need today in order to become the person you were meant to be tomorrow—a broken, yet glorious vessel of the Lord Jesus Christ! May you graduate with honors!